How Am I Supposed To Love A Body Like This?

So, you have a chronic illness and the treatment is to take steroids for the rest of your life. One day, you wake up and look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you. You cry because the body you used to have is no longer there. And all you can think to yourself is “How am I supposed to love a body like this?”

Maybe you’ve gained some weight. Maybe you have stretch marks. Maybe you have scars. Maybe you have all three. How could this possibly have happened to me? I barely eat, and when I do, I don’t sit around, eating bon bons all day long. I exercise when my body allows me to. I keep lowering my daily steroid dosage because that’s the advice the doctors keep giving to me. Sound familiar? If it does, you’re not alone.

I’m sure you’d love to read about some magical way to get back the body you had before steroids. Although there are ways to lose weight, I’ll save that for another post. For now, let’s talk about the body staring back at you in the mirror.

First of all, put the scale away. It’s just a number. That number does not define who you are. And let’s face it, even when the number was a lot less, you still thought you were fat, and you beat yourself up then, too!

Secondly, if you’ve reduced your daily steroid dosage for weight loss, how are you feeling? How’s your energy level? How are those symptoms treating you that you get when you’re low in cortisol? Have you gone into an Adrenal Crisis yet? Speaking from experience….every single time I have reduced my steroids for the purpose of losing weight, I have regretted it. Every. Single. Time. Remember those scars I mentioned before? I got those after I thought it was a good idea to reduce my steroids. Did I lose weight? Sure….some…but spending weeks in the hospital on high amounts of steroids only made me gain more weight, and left me with a permanent reminder of my irrational decision. My new philosophy? I take as much as I need in order to feel alive. Not just exist… I would rather have some extra padding and feel happy and enjoy spending time with my family than being a skinny shell of a person who feels lethargic, puking my guts out, and in more pain than anyone could imagine. Oh, also….passing out and not breathing is a great way to ruin any fun you were having that day.

So, what do I see when I look in the mirror?

I see my eyes. Those eyes get to watch my son play soccer. Those eyes get happy tears in them when they read the sweet letters and text messages from my kids. Those eyes look into the eyes of the most amazing man on this planet who tells me how beautiful I am, and he means it.

I see my lips. Those lips get to kiss my husband and my kids. Those lips get to talk on the phone with my mom, after she thought she’d never be able to talk to me again. Those lips get to tell people how much they truly mean to me.

I see my arms. Those arms get to wrap around my daughters when they go through their teenage heartbreaks. Those arms get to make food that my son raves about.

I see my legs. Those legs that have been paralyzed before and have a huge scar from an emergency surgery now get to take walks. And one day, those legs will be able to run again.

I see my pump site. That site makes it possible for me to have 24 hour cortisol coverage. That site has allowed me to be hospital free for 6 months. That site has allowed me to feel alive again.

So, I guess the answer to my question of “How am I supposed to love a body like this?” is…. I will love every single inch of it, every fat roll, every stretch mark, every scar. I will love it unconditionally because although in many ways, I have felt betrayed by it, it is a very strong body! It has survived more than I can possibly explain, yet it keeps just showing up and is there for me every day. It might be the home of some pretty jacked up Adrenal Glands, but it also houses a heart that pumps blood to keep me alive.

Just like the other aspects of my life that I’ve had to adjust to, having my body change is no different. I’ve had to embrace the changes, and just realize that This Is My New Normal.

The Mental Side Effects of Steroids… What Doctors Don’t Tell You

Hydrocortisone: The Steroid That Can Make You Feel Crazy

All medicines come with side effects, some good, some bad. The corticosteroid, Hydrocortisone, is no exception. When I started taking Hydrocortisone, I remember reading about the physical side effects and thinking to myself “Well, this is a medicine that is literally saving my life, so I can deal with a few side effects.” However, neither one of my doctors or my pharmicist warned me about the psychological side effects of Hydrocortisone, so when those popped up, I was left feeling confused…and yes, I’ll say it, I ended up feeling “crazy.”

At first, I felt super happy. My anxiety had decreased, I felt less “sick,” I had more energy and felt somewhat normal again. I had a euphoria that felt almost as if I was “high on life.” What I didn’t realize is that Hydrocortisone actually does affect the areas of the brain that manages the regulation of serotonin and dopamine, the “feel-good” hormones. Feeling happy is a great side effect to have. However, as time went on, other psychological side effects popped up that were not only startling but also very scary. And what scares me even more is the fact that not one doctor that I have seen, both in the hospital and out of the hospital, since being on corticosteroids, has told me that there are mental side effects of being on them. Not to completely pass blame to doctors, as I think a lot of it has to do with lack of knowledge.

The Subtle Mental Side Effects

Side effects can have a wide spectrum, so when you do experience having them, you may not think of them having anything to do with a medication that you weren’t told would cause any mental side effects in the first place. Subtle side effects that I had were anxiety, agitation, irritability, insomnia, lack of concentration, lack of focus….just to name a few. When I talked with my doctors about these symptoms, I was told to take a sleep aid, to take things for ADHD, I was put on two separate anxiety medicines, and even on an antipsychotic medication. I finally drew the line when my doctor wanted to add an antidepressant into the mix.

The Not So Subtle Mental Side Effects

When I was on oral Hydrocortisone, I was sick a lot. I spent a lot of time in the hospital and even though my body required high doses of steroids while I was in the hospital, the doctors didn’t warn me about the psychological side effects of being on high amounts…and more importantly, what can happen when you go from being on a high amount to all of a sudden going back to a normal dose, without tapering. When I was in the hospital, and on high amounts, I felt manic and didn’t sleep. Whenever I went home and went down to my normal dose, I felt lethargic and depressed…thinking it was just a normal emotional response from being in the hospital.

And then…one of the worst possible mental side effects appeared into my life overnight… corticosteroid-induced temporary psychosis…

Choo Choo….All Aboard The Crazy Train

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to wake up one day and be Superman or Superwoman for a day? How about for a few weeks? Imagine feeling the happiest feelings you’ve ever felt in your life and how nothing and no one could take that feeling away from you. Being on top of the world, not needing sleep, having zero fears, laughing all of the time, spending money like there were no limits on your bank account, feeling like you no longer “need” to take any medications, including your corticosteroids…  Sounds great, right?

Although I have never experimented with drugs, I imagine that you could probably compare it to the feeling of being “high” 24/7. I felt like my brain was working at top speeds. Not only my brain though…everything I did was at top speeds. I worked a lot of extra hours, I was creative, and I felt like the Energizer Bunny. I had no idea where this “new me” came from, but I loved her! And at first, my family also loved her. My kids thought that I was hilarious and really fun to be around. They loved that I was spending a lot of money on them and had a Y.O.L.O outlook on life.

But after a while, my husband and family started getting worried about me. I did a lot of online shopping and would unintentionally order multiple items, thinking that I only ordered one, but when packages just kept arriving, I justified “needing” 20 new pillows, 2 different colored sets of pots and pans, 3 different pairs of sunglasses for my husband, and a lot of other things that I can’t even remember. I gave my daughter my debit card and told her to go on a shopping spree, bought my son a cell phone for Christmas in “October,” took my daughter to get a piercing just because she wanted one, and was about to just randomly get a new tattoo, until my husband called and the kids told him what I was about to do. That night, he “grounded” me from my debit card and my car keys.

I also abruptly stopped taking my anxiety medications, and got to the point of not taking my Hydrocortisone like I was supposed to either. I thought that my Adrenal Insufficiency was completely healed and that I did not need Hydrocortisone anymore, but I didn’t tell anyone. I kept having symptoms of being low in cortisol and when my husband asked when the last time I took my steroids, I couldn’t honestly remember. At one point, he had to threaten to give me an emergency injection because I refused to take my pills.

Once he realized that I was putting my life in danger by not taking my life-saving medications, he called my doctor. She basically told him not to worry, and explained to him that I was experiencing a corticosteroid-induced temporary psychosis from going from a high dose in the hospital to my normal dose, without tapering. At that point in my treatment, I had no idea what tapering was. My doctor had never mentioned it, the doctors in the hospital never mentioned it, and I was following their orders of going home and going back onto my normal dose. She did order an MRI of my brain to rule out a tumor, but told him that we just had to “ride it out.”

Please Fasten Your Seatbelts…The Plane Is About To Crash

Ok, so imagine having extreme mania (on top of the world, no fears, tons of energy) when you went to sleep one night….and waking up the next day feeling scared of your own shadow, lethargic and completely depressed. When the psychosis wore off, it wasn’t something that happened slowly and over time. It was literally like someone had gone into the electrical box in my brain and reset the breaker, but decided to leave the switch off for a while.

I literally would sleep for 20 plus hours a day, only really waking up to take my medications and sometimes eat food.  When I was awake, I was full of anxiety and depression. I not only was terrified of talking to people, going places, but I was convinced that I was dying. Thankfully, I was never suicidal, although I have read about people becoming suicidal, as another mental side effect. Because we are so wired to listen to doctors, the advice of just “riding it out” was what my husband did.

It wasn’t until recently, when I was researching the psychological side effects of corticosteroid use, that I discovered that there are recommended treatment options to safely bring a person out of the corticosteroid-induced temporary psychosis.

Does The Story End There?

I wish I could say that was the last time I experienced any kind of mental side effects from the steroids. Unfortunately, I have had my share of them…. Having Adrenal Insufficiency is a very difficult disease to manage for most people. Just when you “think” you know everything there is to know, something will pop up, leaving you questioning everything you know about it. Like I said, I recently was researching the psychological side effects of corticosteroid use. I definitely “knew” that there was a connection, but honestly only thought about the temporary psychosis part being an issue. After that episode of temporary psychosis, I still had side effects…I just didn’t link them to the steroids.

Over the past few years, I have continued to have issues with the “subtle side effects” and totally brushed them off. I have had a LOT of things go medically very wrong with this disease, and have been paralyzed twice with the inability to speak, and have also “died” and had to have a major emergency surgery to keep me alive. This brought on severe PTSD, but even with therapy, I still had those “subtle side effects.” This past summer, when I switched from oral Hydrocortisone to the pump, I finally felt amazing. Things had started feeling “normal” again. My “subtle side effects” had been diminishing.

But right before I had started on the pump, I developed an infection in the hospital, which did not go away. My doctor “guessed” at the kind of infection I had but never took a culture of it, and I followed the recommended protocol of increasing my steroids with a triple dose while I was on antibiotics. The infection persisted, so I was on several bouts of antibiotics. The high amounts of steroids lead to another case of corticosteroid-induced temporary psychosis. Although it was not nearly as extreme as the first time, and it took longer to appear, and didn’t last as long, it still made a major impact on me emotionally. Since the severity was less, it was harder for my loved ones to recognize and be sure that it was actually “psychosis” that I was dealing with. Although I kept denying that I was in “psychosis,” I still was unable to think “clearly” and I ended up making the decision to go from a high amount of steroids down to my normal dosage overnight.

This made me “crash” right away. The “crash” symptoms were the same as before, but since I had done a drastic decrease in my steroids, and I still had the infection, all of a sudden, I had extreme physical symptoms that I was dealing with at the same time. I was then hospitalized for two weeks, had very rare, unexplainable physical side effects from my infection and ended up coming home with multiple holes in my body and a home health care nurse coming to my home to help me recover…all while still dealing with the “crash” emotional issues. PTSD came back full swing, I had severe depression and anxiety, I completely withdrew from social media and from any social interactions with people. I was totally housebound once again and just the thought of getting into a vehicle brought me to a full on panic attack and endless tears.

How could I have allowed this to happen to me again? I was so distraught that I didn’t even have the strength to seek out help from the people that helped me so much in the past. When I was in the hospital, I luckily did have a doctor who seemed very knowledgeable and told me that this happened because I had not tapered. We had a long discussion about the emotional side effects it caused for me and what to do in the future. It still took months for me to come to terms with things. I wanted so badly just to return to a normal dose and not be dependent on a higher dose. However, I knew that with the trauma that my body had been through, I had to be patient and taper down very slowly.

Knowledge Is Power

Since I got home from the hospital and got to the point where I was not crying at the drop of a hat, I was able to monitor my emotions better and take control. Although I did not realize it at the time, the “subtle emotional side effects” became my focal point of things I wanted to conquer and take control over. I reached out to a trusted friend, who helped me come up with a good dosing schedule, I did a lot of self-reflection of what I wanted in life, I read a lot of self-help books, watched a lot of funny movies, and just focused on being happy and present. I evaluated every single thing that was going into my body, whether it was medications, supplements, food, etc. If it didn’t “feel” right, I cut it out of my life. Anything negative that I was holding onto was the first thing to go.

I was then able to completely get off of all prescription medications, including my anxiety medications, except for the steroids. I added in extra supplements and antioxidants that helped promote healing. I no longer need a sleep aid in order to sleep at night. I’ve done a lot of research about the emotional side effects of steroid use, so I’m very careful now with changing my dosage amounts, even when my body is requiring more coverage.

And now that I do know how they specifically affect me, I’ve been able to share my knowledge with my husband and my family so that they can help me to identify any red flags, if they happen to come up in the future. Every single hour can be different for someone with Adrenal Insufficiency who is on steroids and needs to be able to “live” their lives. I am now at a point in my life where unless something pretty major comes up, it’s almost as if I don’t even have the disease. I’m personally conscientiously aware that it is still very real and very much a huge part of my life.

However, for the first time in years, my husband and my kids are able to breathe again. They no longer see me as being “sick.” We enjoy life as much as possible together and once in a while, when I catch a virus or something, they ask me if I’m making sure to updose, not only for the physical aspects of it, but also because they know what it does to me mentally and emotionally.

And this, my friends, is my “new” normal.

Addison’s Disease IS Hereditary…. Rest In Peace…Grandma Diane

“Call it!” Grandma Diane died one evening in New York. She was 53 years old.

Getting a diagnosis for Addison’s Disease is difficult. It takes years. Most are misdiagnosed. This was the case for Grandma Diane. Originally diagnosed with Lupus, she was placed on Prednisone, but as her symptoms changed, she was formally diagnosed with Addison’s Disease. She still led a good life. She was happy. She had had a successful career, she had two kids, and two grandkids. She now enjoyed going antiquing and researching family genetics. She had a boyfriend named Bob and life was going well. Until it wasn’t.

Grandma went to a family gathering one evening. A couple of family members had come down with a stomach virus. To an Addison’s patient, your immune system is compromised so much that you’re more susseptible to catching a cold or stomach bug when you come into contact with it. And low and behold, that’s what happened. The flu bug.

Grandma went home and rested. But that flu bug decided to rear it’s ugly head. She became very sick. Home remedies did not work. One evening, she was on the phone with Bob, her boyfriend of several years. She felt very weak and ill. She decided to take some Prednisone but after attempting to look for it and not finding it, she just decided to sit and talk to him. And then the phone dropped….silence. Bob immediatly called 911 and rushed over to her house.

She was transported to the hospital. Uncle Doug and Uncle Derek were called. She was in a coma and fighting for her life. And then our phone rang. Uncle Doug let Mom know of Grandma’s medical situation. She immediately booked a flight to New York. For three days, Mom didn’t leave her side. She was stable but still fighting. They were treating her stomach bug but no one looked at her medication list to see that she was on Prednisone. No one asked what medical conditions she had. This is all too common in the hospital and something that needs to change.

Day 3…vitals are good. Still in coma. No signs improvement. The day turns to night. All the family members were there. Mom was sitting right next to her, talking to her. Then…Grandma woke up. She sat up, looked Mom in the eyes….into her soul…almost like she was trying to tell her something, and then she layed back down, and her heart stopped. “Call it.” Grandma Diane was 53 years old. She was surrounded by family.

There was no autopsy to be done. No point really. Grandma Diane died of an Adrenal Crisis. Yes, Addison’s is hereditary. Mom tested postive for an autoimmune disorder. She will be tested for Addison’s very soon. I am having my children tested. If this disease has taught me anything, it’s taught me to take good care of my health, to educate myself on when I need more meds and how to handle when I do get sick. And it has taught me that life is short. So now I’m living my best life….🦋💁🏼‍♀️

The Spoon Theory Explained

So, this is the Spoon Theory explained. Basically, a healthy body has unlimited amount of spoons….aka cortisol…aka energy. Wouldn’t that be nice?

This is how I explained my illness to my kids so that they could understand at any moment how I was doing.

I took out all of my spoons in my kitchen drawer and sat down with each kid.

I started with Austin because he not only was the oldest but he was the one who least understood it

I told him he was just diagnosed with AI. Congratulations…you get 20 sooons per day!!

I then told him to tell me about a typical day for him. He started with “Well, I wake up.” “Ok great…one spoons please!” “Woooah…hold up…just for getting out of bed?” “Yes son, you use spoons for every single thing in your life.”

He carried on. “I then make breakfast.” “Ok, that will be 3 spoons!” We carried this on for quite some time. He then was all of a sudden was out of spoons and still had plenty to do in his day. “What do I do now?”

I explained how he would need to make a choice on whether or not to borrow from tomorrow’s spoons. He agreed that he did but I warned him how he would feel the next day.

I then explained that any kind of stress, good or bad, also took spoons.

He started crying. “Mom…I had NO IDEA how living with this disease impacted you soooo much!”

Here’s to wishing you day filled with spoons my friends!! 🥄🦋🥄🦋

Top 5 Tips To Avoid An Adrenal Crisis…And What To Do If You Are In One

So, you have Adrenal Insufficiency and are completely steroid dependent for the rest of your life. As if that is not scary enough, NOW you have to make sure that your levels of cortisol are always under control so that you avoid an Adrenal Crisis and even worst, coma or death. Since I have unfortunately been there way too many times, I figured I would compile a list of the top 5 tips to avoid an adrenal crisis. Also, because we are all human, it is inevitable that at some point you’ll be in one, so I’ve included what to do at that point….

Top 5 Tips To Avoid An Adrenal Crisis…..

  1. Make sure your daily steroid intake is the correct dose for YOUR body. This may seem like a no brainer, but I see this all of the time. How much do you truly need?? Too little and you’ll have low coritsol symptoms. Too much and you’ll be over replacing. The best way to see how much your body needs is a 24 hourcortisol test. This can be a challenge, however. You really have two options. You can do a “day curve” test, which is highly recommended. Or…you can opt to take a 24 hour test on your own through urine. You then ship it off to the lab and they send you your results.
  2. Make sure your steroids are being delivered when your body needs them. Also seems like a no brainer. If you are on Prednisone, chances are pretty good that you are completely covered and don’t have to worry about it. However, if you are on Hydrocortisone, that is a whole new story. You have to take Hydrocortisone multiple times per day to mimic a body’s natural replication. So, how is this done? First of all, knowing your baseline is a good start. Also knowing how fast you metabolize the Hydcrortisone. Some need it every 4 hours, while other people can get away with going 6 hours. The best way to mimic the body’s “normal” is to do circadian rhythm dosing. That will assure 24 hour coverage and will give you a higher quality of life.
  3. Make sure your labs are up to date. When you first were diagnosed, they performed an 8am blood cortisol test. They hopefully also performed an ACTH test to show whether you are PAI or SAI. If not, you’ll want to find out. Other tests needed are a Comprehensive metabolic Panel, CBC Count, Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone or TSH, Autoaintibody Testing, Prolactin Testing. Imaging studies are also needed. You’ll want a chest radiograph done to show current evidence of TB. You’ll also want an abdominal CT scan. And an MRI done to show what is going on with your pituitary function. Another test I would recommend is a DNA test. You can order these through My Heritage or 23 And Me. This will show you what other health issues you may have.
  4. Stress Dose when needed. In a normal body, the body will create MORE cortisol when needed. When our bodies are under stress, whether it is good or bad, it doesn’t even know the difference, it lowers it. How do you handle this? You add more! How much will totally depend on how you are feeling. Some people need an extra 2.5mg, others need more like 20mg. It just really depends on the situation. Are you sick, do you have an infection, or are you just stressed out? Knowing your low cortisol symptoms are VITAL.
  5. INJECT!!!! NOW! When in doubt, ALWAYS inject 100mg of Soluctortef. If you even have to second guess this, it’s time to inject. Do you need follow-up hospital care afterwards? Not necessarily. It depends on the situation. If you can keep fluids down, you’re probably ok. However, if you have a stomach bug and are puking and have diarrhea, the best place to be is at the hospital being monitored and replenished with IV fluids.

Now, let’s talk about what to do IF you are IN an Adrenal Crisis….

First of all, breathe. You’re going to be ok! What I like to do is to ask myself “What do I need RIGHT NOW to take care of myself?” And I just keep asking myself that over and over again until I’m in the clear. Questions you may ask yourself are….

  1. How am I feeling? What are my symptoms? Do I need to stress dose or do I need to inject??
  2. How are my fluids? How about my supplements?
  3.  I need to call 911 or can I handle this myself? Is someone home that can help me through this?
  4. If you need to dial 911, make sure they know you have AI, are steroid dependent and need 100mg of Soluctortef when paramedics arrive.
  5. What if you’re not home? You need to start carrying a “to go bag.” The bag should include things such as your medications, your emergency injection, fluids, and lots of snacks, both salty and sugary. Also, you’ll want to include a letter to the ER from your doctor with correct protocol along with emergency contact info and a list of all medications and supplements taken.

Disclaimer: This is not intended to replace medical advice given from your doctor. Please consult with them prior to adjusting any and all medications.

“You DIED…three times and LIVED to tell your story!”

February 23, 2017 will be a date that will forever be engraved into my life and the lives of the people closest to me. It’s the night that I died…three times…and came back to life to tell my story.

It was a cold, February night. I had been under a tremendous amount of stress. My ten year old had suffered a major concussion at school a couple of weeks prior. That led to several doctor’s appointments, a CT scan, a trip to the children’s hospital when his symptoms got worse, communicating with his teacher to get homework that he could safely do while he was at home recuperating, and a group of unneccessary text messages between his father and me, arguing about his treatment plan and the plan for our son to return to sports. Living with Adrenal Insufficiency has taught me that when I’m under any emotional or physical stress, I need to take extra meds in order to cope like someone who has healthy, functioning adrenal glands. However, when my cortisol levels drop to a certain level, I can’t think clearly and I don’t realize when I need to take the extra life saving steroids. My husband recognized it, but it was too late.

There is a block of time that I absolutely don’t remember. That block of time started right after I told my husband “I don’t feel right…” I was standing in the kitchen and I had just read a text message that apparently dropped my cortisol levels to a dangerously low level. My husband took one look at me, and told me to come lay down and he would get me some meds. To be honest, the meds I truly needed was my Solucortef Emergency Injection. However, it was sitting at the hospital pharmacy….all because…one, I didn’t think I truly had “that” bad of a case of Addison’s…I saw other people posting in our groups and they were constantly in crisis and having to inject, but that just wasn’t me. Also, it was $52 to pick it up and we simply could not afford it at the time. Please read that again. I could not afford my life saving injection that literally could have and would have SAVED MY LIFE!!!!! I started to walk towards him, and I collapsed in the middle of our dining room, not breathing and unresponsive. My husband told my ten year old to call 911 and he immediately started CPR.

It took emergency responders 14 minutes to arrive to our house. They attempted to revive me with no avail. I was in cardiac arrest. They couldn’t locate a good IV spot, so they chose to perform an emergency procedure known as an IO (Intraoasseous Infusion) where they drill into a person’s shin bone and are able to get an IV started. The problem is, the EMT who performed the IO drill led too far into my shin, so all of the medication that they pumped into my system went straight into the tissue of my leg. Since I was not responding like I should with the medication, they kept giving me more and more, not realizing the harm it was causing. A brand new EMT looked at my leg and asked if my leg was supposed to look the way it did. I apparently had compartment syndrome and my leg had ballooned up. Things suddenly took a turn for the worse.

My husband was on his way to the hospital, when all of a sudden I went into cardiac arrest again and my “spirit” visited him in his car. According to him, I told him that I love him and I was saying goodbye. Being the strong-willed person that he is, he told me to get back into the ambulance and start breathing. Although our wedding vows did not include “thow shall obey,” I left his car and started breathing in the ambulance. When he arrived at the hospital, he was met at the door by the hospital chaplain, who urged him to call my parents, as the doctors did not expect me to live. My husband was notified that I would require emergency surgery and they needed him to sign a release for them to operate. Knowing what surgery would do to my body, he insisted that the medical team give me 100mg of Solucortef prior to the surgery. It then became a battle of who would give in first. The person trying to get him to sign the release told my husband that I would die if they couldn’t operate qickly, and he told them that I would die if I did not have the emergency steroids on board prior to the surgery. In the end, my husband won the battle and after I was given the Solucortef, I was rushed into surgery.

love from all of us
Continue reading ““You DIED…three times and LIVED to tell your story!””

My FIRST Crisis Since Being On The Pump

I’ve been on the Adrenal Pump ever since my last hospital stay in June of 2018. It has been nothing short of a miracle in my life. Several events led up to me wanting a better quality of life. As I sat in my hospital bed, I lost a dear friend of mine, Kristy, to Adrenal Insufficiency. I gave my word to God to that I would not allow that to happen to another friend of mine. However, I KNEW that I had to get myself healthy again. I began my search and discovered the Adrenal Pump. To say that it has given me my life back would be a complete understatement. I’m living my life again!

Is it a “Plug and Go” and “Set it and Forget it” solution? No. It took a major learning curve, and I have to manage it every single day, in order to make it work for me. Is it worth it? Oh yes! Do I still have bad days? Yes, I do. Yesterday is PROOF that I still have Adrenal Insufficiency and it hit me like a TORNADO. I had my FIRST Adrenal Crisis since being on the pump. I learned several lessons yesterday.

The first lesson being that you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself first before you can possibly take care of anyone else. Let me say that one again. You HAVE to take care of yourself FIRST before you can possibly take care of ANYONE else.

I have a very set routine each morning. I get up, I check my pump, take my supplements, take my vitals, make coffee, and then I get to relax and pray, put on some music and I get to work. And then I get to play and enjoy my day and “live.” Yesterday felt no different, except that I have been so busy lately enjoying life and working that I neglected to take care of the one person who really matters…ME. I completely broke my routine, and the sad thing is…I did not recognize it. I don’t want this to happen again and I certainly do not want it to happen to anyone else I care about. So…are you ready to hear about my day? Ok, let’s go.

First of all, the night before, I was on Facebook and I felt compelled to write an inspirational post to my online support groups. I wanted to get this done before midnight so that others who were struggling could see it right then and there or wake up to it. I accomplished my goal. I then decided to go to bed. I normally wake up everyday between 3am-5am, and average about 4-6 hours a sleep, depending on the night. However, my mind was racing and I just couldn’t go to sleep. I have a good friend in Tennessee, Ruth, who was awake and we were texting. She asked why I was still awake and I told her I just couldn’t sleep. So, she said “Hey, just get up and we’ll talk.” She and I were both friends with my friend who died and it brought us closer than ever. We talked about Kristy, about what had been going on in our lives and how much we missed Kristy. She was having a rough morning and I had had a few ups and downs this week, so we were comforting each other. She is also on the Adrenal Pump and we were talking about how we could help other people with Adrenal Insufficiency to live a better life, with our without the pump. But in the meantime, I completely broke my routine. Here’s how that played out…

  1. No sleep. Adrenals are a funny thing. They like sleep. It gives them time to heal and reset. I normally take Melatonin to sleep, but I had not taken mine. Mistake number one.
  2. I checked my pump. Ok, well that’s a check mark for good behavior. Go Jen!
  3. I did not check my vitals. Had I done that, I would have known that something was wrong before I even started my day. I figured I would “get to it.” I didn’t.
  4. I did not take my supplements. Again, I figured I would “get to it.” I didn’t.
  5. I made coffee and I drank a lot of it. I had a lot to do yesterday and I wanted to be refreshed. I didn’t drink my morning Vitamin C like I normally do, which helps give me a boost of energy and also helps protect my immune system. I decided I just needed MORE coffee. I had errands to run before I could work. My website had been down for 2 days and I had to get that figured out so that I could play some more. My “to do list” was long and being a Type A personality, I wanted to get everything done as soon as I could. So, I decided to go get more coffee and run my errands. I’ve been dealing with some lower back pain, which is a sign of low cortisol for me, but I bought a TENS unit to help alleviate pain and I normally wear it when I drive or work or just when I need it to help with pain. So, being the already “cyborg” I am, I hooked it up and left. First stop, Dutch Bros….a large 911 Freeze…which equates to 9 shots of espresso! Yes, not one of my best ideas. However, when Kristy was alive, I would treat myself to one and since I was missing her, I figured I would go buy one to honor her friendship, and continued with my errands.
  6. I came home and hopped onto my computer. I had to figure out what was wrong with my website and why it had been down. I contacted Go Daddy tech support. I was greeted by a very nice gentleman who explained that it was not a Go Daddy issue after all. It was actually WordPress. I was frustrated but he was so helpful. He e-mailed me the information I needed in order to contact WordPress to get me up and running. I asked him to stay on the line with me until I got the e-mail. He was gracious enough to do that. We started chatting and he told me he was a soldier and was kind of struggling. I thanked him for his service to our country and I also told him about someone that had helped me through my PTSD and told him I would give him her information, as she had helped me tremendously. He was so appreciative. After our call, I became very emotional. That was unlike me. Yet, it’s one of my low cortisol symptoms, and I completely dismissed it. I had so much to do..I had no time for crying, yet I could not stop. I cried a lot throughout the day. In bad and good ways. I should have “bolused” or “updosed” but I didn’t. Another huge mistake. I also should have set the rates on my pump to a higher amount to compensate for the day because I was clearly struggling, but I was having major brain fog (another low cortisol symptom), and instead, I decided to go DOWN in my rates. Huge huge huge mistake! My husband woke up and we were talking about my day so far. We have developed a good system and we have a good plan in place to keep me healthy. Communication is key between us and I had not done a good job and communicating my very poor decisions. We also have a code word for when I’m in crisis. I typically tell him “I feel OFF!” And he helps to get me through it, typically with a shot of 100mg of Solu-Cortef. He was working on our boat in the garage and I was in the house when the “tornado” hit me. My phone had died because I had been on it all day, so I couldn’t call him and I was going into crisis fast!!!!
  7. WARNING….Crisis approaching…. I thought to myself…”Self care, Jen…THINK! What do I need to do NOW???? You are NOT going to die! You have NOT come this far to DIE!” I realized that I had not taken any sodium that day. The weather was cooler and to be honest, I just had forgotten. I knew that my sodium chloride tablets were outback and I didn’t have the strength to walk out to get them. I was close to the pantry so I took out a jar of bone broth. I have a spoon next to it and I shoveled an entire spoonful of it in my mouth. That helped instantly, but it was not what all I needed. I “bolused” or “updosed” on my pump as much as I possibly could until it wouldn’t allow me to give myself any more. I prayed for guidance. “GOD….please tell me what to do. Please guide me to what I need RIGHT NOW!” I needed my emergency injection!!! I didn’t hesitate. I sat down at the table and I injected myself with 100mg of Solu-Cortef. It works fast and it saved my life. I still felt “Off” and I didn’t have the energy yet to go tell Mike. So I decided to turn on some christian music and lay down for a bit.
  8. Music and sleep is what I needed at that moment. I fell asleep quickly. Mike apparently had come in to check on me and was surprisingly happy to see me sleeping so he let me sleep.
  9. I woke up feeling better. Not great. But good enough to go out to the garage and talk to Mike. I told him what had happened. I completely confessed to all of my bad decisions. I cried. He was very supportive. But the day was not over and I continued to make poor choices.
  10. I had not been hungry, so I did not eat. Still no vitals. Still no supplements on board. Had I taken my vitals, I would have known that my blood pressure was sky high. When I go into crisis, my blood pressure goes high, which is not always typical in Adrenal Insufficiency. Had I taken my supplements, I would have had my electrolytes on board and it probably would have prevented what would come next.
  11. I started having lower back pain again and just felt “OFF” again. I had been texting my Dad and he asked if I was truly ok because my texts were not making sense. I thought I was. I was clearly not. I decided to go relax in a hot bath. Mike asked if I was ok, and I told him yes. I thought I just needed a “time out.” Another one of my poor choices. Soaking in a hot bath can drain cortisol and it did. I texted my friend, Ruth, and told her I could not think straight. My heart was racing, I had a headache, lower back pain despite the hot water, but as soon as she heard that I could not think for myself, she told me I had two choices…”bolus” or “inject” AGAIN. So, I bolused as I shakingly crawled out of the bathtub and got dressed so that I could go get another emergency injection, which was downstairs. I should have called Mike, but again, I was not thinking clearly.
  12. I drew up another 100mg of Solu-Cortef and I injected. I sat there for a few minutes and then decided to go get Mike. I was clearly making all the wrong decisions today and I needed his support and guidance, and I just needed him to wrap his arms around me.
  13.  We came in the house and talked and he wrapped his arms around me to see what I needed. I needed food, so he made me some. I needed potassium and magnesium, so he brought me my supplements. I also needed more sodium so he brought my bone broth to me as well. And then just rubbed my back until I felt better.
  14. I FINALLY felt better. I was able to avoid the hospital. Barely. I went to bed and was able to fall asleep and LIVE to see another day.
  15. What did I learn? You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of YOURSELF first. We have one life to live and today is a new day! Oh….and in case your’e wondering, I did follow my daily routine when I got up this morning and I feel really well. Today, we are going to take out the boat and I’m going to press “Reset” and enjoy my glorious “New Normal!”

If you’d like more information on what I do to take care of myself, message me. I would be happy to pass on what helps me. Also, here are some things that I use daily that helps me LIVE. Check them out, talk to your doctor before starting any new supplements or treatments. But friends, if you do not have an ample supply of emergency injections on hand at all times, don’t wait. Go get them today!!! It WILL save your life at some point! I’m living proof!!!

For Vitals:

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For Supplements:

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For Extra Support:

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